My Reflections on America The Beautiful

I'm not usually particularly political or preachy (say that 5 times fast) in the realm of social media. Actually, anyone who knows me well knows that I tend to avoid conversations and issues surrounding race. But all that background is a testimony for a different day. Today, my heart is stirred by all of this conversation on Coca Cola's America the Beautiful commercial and, this time, I've got some words:

I'm half black and half white. Raised by a white mother who grew up in an all white community and a black father who tended to see racial issues everywhere. He often warned me that I would be treated differently, and growing up in the age that I did, I often thought he was being overly dramatic and paranoid. I wish I were right. 

I'm a half black girl, married to a full white guy. Together we have a quarter black baby. I have passion for international missions and a heart for international adoption. I worked full time as an ELL teacher with immigrants, some African refugees, but mostly from Mexico and other Hispanic countries. In my {what I perceive as relatively limited} experience, I have encountered numerous unfortunate comments from people. I have been the recipient of racist comments myself - not often, but always from people I could only describe as ignorant. Brian and I have received idiotic comments and questions about our interracial marriage. More commonly, I have heard countless opinions on why international missions are ridiculous and how they misuse time and money. Often I have been disappointed in the people I hear these comments from.  These same people tend to be anti-international adoption for the same reasons. And then don't even get me started on the IGNORANT comments made about Hispanic immigrants - assumptions on their legal status or judgements on cultural differences. You've GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. How has our society come to be so pompous? Talk about "forgetting where you came from." You've heard the "we're all immigrants" speech. I won't go there. 

But I digress. My goal today is not to preach on acceptance, but to share a little bit of my heart. 

Five years ago I was blessed with the awesome opportunity to take a mission trip to Austria. I remember participating in a worship service and being so choked up I couldn't help but cry. I'm not a big crier - especially during worship - it's just not my thing. But I remember being SO overwhelmed with the beauty of hearing some of my favorite worship songs sung, with such passion and love, in a language I didn't understand at all. I felt almost unworthy of experiencing this beautiful display of creation. I felt small - if that makes sense. Small in the sense that God's creation is SO BIG, and I'm just one little English speaking American, used to my little cliche American church experience. But who am I? 

The other day in church, Marc preached about this verse: What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. (James 4:14). 

A MIST. 

So that brings me {closer} to my point: My favorite thing about God is his immense display of creativity in Creation. {Hence the name, I guess!}. Seriously! Think about it!

Did you know there are between 6,000 and 8,000 spoken languages? According to Joshua Project, there are 16,845 people groups in the world! That is a LOT of variety! I can't even come up with different color palettes for the rooms in my HOUSE (brown, brown, brown). Each of these groups has a different combinations of languages, traditions, beliefs, music, dress, and FOOD!

If I can step outside of myself for just a moment. Forget that we are NOT the center of the world. That we are NOT the "right" culture and that we don't have to be so isolated and "supreme" in our thinking. When I stop to embrace the minuscule, nearly insignificant "mist" that is me… when I take a moment to ATTEMPT to comprehend that the vastness of God's creation… the detail and variety… THAT is when I am most humbled and amazed by His creation. That is when I feel the true sense of the word "awesome." That's also when I can feel SUPREMELY blessed and grateful for any opportunity I have to interact with the world outside of my little bubble. To me, these small moments - when I get to experience a culture outside of my own - are a gift. They're a glimpse of the immense love and value God obviously invested in every detail of His work. 

And then, when I hear comments degrading those other cultures, and their "interference" in our apparently supreme society, it makes me sad. I'm sad that there are people out there who are going to live their ENTIRE LIVES never experiencing the INDESCRIBABLE BEAUTY that God bestowed in the the world around us.

I know I'll never have enough time to experience every culture. But if I could I would hear every language, taste every food, dance on every shore. That may sound cheesy and dramatic, but it's so true. We're missing out, people. And we're running out of time.

And that's all I have to say about that.

A highlight of my travels: A Masai children's dance competition.

Beckett's Birth Story

Let's just note that I'm totally cheating and dating this post in November when in actuality it is MARCH. You shouldn't be surprised. I also just sent out my Christmas cards two weeks ago. I could pretend I have a valid excuse, but really I have the chillest baby ever, so blaming him would be unfair.

But on to the birth story.

The last month and a half of my pregnancy was just about MISERABLE. I gained WAY too much weight so I was OVER the waddling and the not sleeping and the 20 pound child living inside of all of my parts and using my ribs as his own personal monkey bars/trampoline/punching bag. Brian had been as patient and encouraging as you could expect a man to be, but on November 15, our sanity began to crumble. WE COULDN'T HANDLE IT, PEOPLE. I'm not sure what all was said but I do remember Brian and me driving over to Brittany's house so I could have a girls' night and he could do whatever he was going to do… and in the car FEELINGS WERE RELEASED. To sum it up: we were BOTH sick of me being pregnant. 

11/14/13 - Two Days Before D-Day

That night I went with the girls to a Christmas Craft Sale. Friends, I shopped all those emotions straight out. By the end of the shopping excursion, I was in pain. It was more pain than usual, but I figured it was just because I weighed a BUNCH of pounds and my body couldn't handle being upright anymore. 

By 10p I was home with Brian {we were friends again by now} and I was squirming in pain. BACK PAIN. Ooooooh the back pain! At this point I was PRAYING that the back labor that my mom and aunts had so kindly enlightened me of was NOT my impending fate. I've never been in labor, so I still had no idea what was happening, but I knew things were happening that had never happened before and therefore we better go ahead and pack that bag we've been meaning to put together for a month now. Then we went to bed.

I layed there like I was going to sleep, but the pain just kept coming. With the whole first labor situation, I wasn't exactly sure what I was going for, and I didn't want to drag my whale-self to the hospital and end up being in false labor so I did what any first time maybe in labor pregnant person would do: I googled it. "How do I know I'm in labor?" The answer was a resounding: "Oh! You'll know." Well, I hurt a lot, but everything on the internet said that I should be feeling contractions… unless I was in back labor, in which case I would just feel PAIN. I was preeeeetty sure that was my situation, but I wasn't screaming like the girls in the movies and I didn't want to be wrong so I just hung out and pretended like I was going to be able to sleep.

By 2am my intense back pain had evolved into contractions. I think this is it? Maybe? I should ask Brian… So I did. "Do you think I'm in labor? I think this is it? We should go…" So we grabbed the bags and headed downstairs and as we got in the car I decided I should call the hospital and ask the nurse if I was really in labor. I'm not sure why I thought anybody else would be able to help me out with this, but bear with me. I have no clue what I'm doing here. 

The nurse told me to take a shower and see if my contractions calmed. I still don't know why in the world these were her instructions, but I obeyed. The shower felt AH-MAZING. The pain slowed, the contractions were further apart. It was great. And then I got out. BIG. MISTAKE. I think that damned shower made the whole things worse. I was NOT A HAPPY CAMPER. As soon as I was dried off and dressed again, we headed to the hospital. 

PAIN. PAIN. CONTRACTIONS. 

SQUIRM. PAIN. COUNT. SQUIRM. WIMPER.

And then Brian wanted to stop for Starbucks. Yeah. No. We arrived at the hospital sometime around 3am (I think)… We thought it would be cute to take a picture near the "Reserved for Patients in Labor" Sign. I'd been waiting to park there for months!! Of course, right as he whipped out the camera, a contraction hit, resulting in this gem:

We proceeded to the delivery floor and they did the whole getting me ready thing. It seemed to take forever. Lots of cringing and puking and squirming and wishing for my drugs to arrive. Then they moved me into another room and starting doing all the hooking me up to thing. Still no drugs. 

I'm pretty sure there were 30 or 40 nurses in my room, but they chose the trainee to get my IV started. Next time they try and pull that crap, I'LL BE THE ONE STICKING SOMEONE. By this point, Brian was becoming more aware of how intense our little adventure was going to be. Apparently the labor + the puking + the nurse digging for gold in my arm was too much for him because while I'm trying to hold still through a contraction and thru baby nurse lady's adventures in my arm, all of a sudden I hear, "CLUNK.THUD." That, my dear friends, would be the sound of my hubby passing out. Yeah. That happened. And I FUH-REAKED OUT. Up to this point, I was calm. There was no screaming. I had every confidence in my nurses (except the jerk still digging in my arm). But as soon as I saw that man fall, "OH MY GOSH!! HE'S DYING! HELP!!! MY HUSBAND IS DYING!"

"He's not dying. He's just passed out."

"No! HE'S SEIZING! HE'S HAVING A STROKE! IS HE DEAD?!?!"

"Sweetheart. Calm down. You need to focus on you. You can't get all worked up… it's not good for the baby." BLA BLA BLA

Insert more screams and wails and ramblings of a crazy woman. "DON'T LET HIM DIE."

Turns out the nurses were right… he just passed out. 

Whatever. He could have been dying. And next time he pulls that crap, I'll kill him.

All of my nurses abandoned me during this to attend to seizing/stroking/dying husband. Except BabyDigsALot. She just kept on jabbing like she was going for the record for Worst IV-Starter EVER. At this point I was crying. Because my husband almost died, not because of Jabs-A-Lot.

Once the IV was FINALLY in, they could get my epidural started. At this point I had been at the hospital for a few hours and was dilated to 5cm. They wouldn't let Brian watch for fear of another hubby fainting + wifey melt down debacle, but they did let him get a picture of the needle afterward. 

Epidural Needle.

Don't worry. They use a local anesthetic before they jab that into your spine. And even if they didn't, IT WOULD BE WORTH IT. Once that baby kicked in:

Over the next few hours, we tried to get some sleep and waited for nature to take it's course. Unfortunately, the epidural slowed my labor so they had to use Pitocin to get it started again. Eventually I made it to 10cm, but then this:

Beckett's Heart Monitor

That, my dear friends, is a picture (that we later found out you're not supposed to take) of my baby's heart rate dropping off. ALL OF THE FEAR came rushing in at this point. They didn't know why, but every time I had a contraction, this happened. We tried pushing anyway, but it only made it worse. So they prepped for a c-section. We had prepared ourselves emotionally for a c-section just incase Beckett decided he wasn't going to "fit," but we really really really wanted to avoid it. But the MINUTE I saw that heart rate monitor dropping, all the disappointment in the idea of cesarean went FLYING out the window and all I wanted in the whole wide world was for them to get that baby out of me SAFELY. 

A couple minutes later, Brian donned this cutest outfit ever and they were wheeling me to the O.R.

My Hotty Doctor Hubby

The number of people I had in the delivery room was NOTHING compared to the people in the O.R. I told them I felt like I was on TV: Bright lights everywhere, a bunch of people all dressed up in cutie little outfits and cutie little masks. I was so entertained. Have I mentioned I've never even BEEN in the hospital, let alone had a surgery? This was a first for me :).

It took FOUR additional doses of anesthesia before I was numb enough for surgery, but eventually we were ready and the rest went pretty quickly. It turned out the reason for the heart rate dropping was because the umbilical cord was wrapped over his shoulder and therefore being pinched every time I had a contraction. We're so very thankful for all of our doctors & nurses and their choices.

At 11:59am on November 16, Beckett arrived in all his 8 pound 15 ounces of glory... Head misshapen from attempted delivery, eyes all puffy and swollen shut. Before I saw him I heard him cry and remember saying how beautiful that sound was. Two second later I saw this hot mess and definitely told Brian the kid was a bit ugly. Don't judge! I don't know what fresh babies look like! 

It wasn't even a couple hours before he started to look more normal. And now we've got the cutest baby in the whole entire world.

Our Whirlwind Week! #ThankfulNovember

Alrighty!

So Saturday I posted an {Update on the Beckett Bump} that basically said TODAY would be our decision making day on whether or not to induce. We've been back and forth and have heard opinions and recommendations from both sides. Here's the timeline of what has happened since then. Buckle up, ya'll:

{Monday}

Brian had a phone interview with {Traeger Grills} for a Manager in training position. He was excited about the interview, as this was a job he thinks he would truly enjoy, selling a product he could actually believe in. He did well on the phone interview & was invited to do a video audition of sorts. Talk about nerve wracking! He would be video taped pretending to sell a grill & then a team at Traeger would vote on the tape. This was intimidating, but exciting! :) Unfortunately, we also found out at this point that if he got the job, he would have to leave for training THIS SUNDAY and be gone for a 8 days. WHAT?! This momma has NO CLUE what to do with a newborn, and also is VERY used to having hubby at home aaaall the time. Now I'm going to be thrown in with a BABY and NO help? Awesome. We decided that I would suck it up and be just fine and dandy with our newborn (assuming he arrived Thursday-ish). Plus, my mom scheduled extra time off to be here most of the week. It was very disappointing to know that Brian would miss Beckett's first week at home, but we decided the job was worth it. At this point, we knew that an induction would be the only way to guarantee Brian would be here for the birth.

{Tuesday}

We spent the day waddling to a couple of different Traeger locations to check out the grills and hear the sales pitches. Brian researched and practiced his pitch, had the interview at 5 and by 6:30 got a call back with a JOB OFFER! Woooo hooo!!! We were disappointed to confirm that Brian would be gone, but THRILLED to know we had a job lined up. Bitter sweet praise. At this point, we were still uneasy with the thought of induction, but the guarantee of Beckett being here was looking pretty good.

{Wednesday}

This morning we went to the doctor. We got the disappointing and stressful news that my cervix has not made much progress at all. The doctor said if Brian weren't out of town, she would recommend waiting until Monday to revisit the idea of induction, but that she also was ok with inducing tomorrow. We still have the concerns of Beckett's large size and disproportionate abdomen/shoulders so having him out is a good thing too. She explained to us the option of Cervidil. Basically this drug will soften my cervix and prepare it to be induced. 

This was troublesome for us both. Induction was not ideal in the first place, and then we felt like we were forcing my body to be prepared to be forced into labor. Too much forcing for our taste. But if we DON'T induce, we would have to decide between Brian taking the job, going to training, and quite possibly missing the birth, or giving up a job that we were excited about. Needless to say, today was stressful. There were many tears (100% mine) and back and forth on what we could do. 

In the end, we decided to take Traeger out of the mix, and knew that we were not comfortable with inducing at this point. That being decided, we were not ok with inducing for the mere convenience of the schedule and that this job was not worth doing something we were uncomfortable with or Brian missing Beckett's birth. SO, we emailed Brian's recruiter and explained the position we were in. We basically told him that if we could reschedule, great. If not, sorry, we couldn't accept. We were immediately at peace with the decision. Another job would come along.

However! To our INCREDIBLY PLEASANT SURPRISE, Brian received an email back, not much later, with a super sweet note from his recruiter. He was very supportive of Brian needing to be at home with me, and offered Brian the option of putting of training until December 1. More tears. All mine. We were SO PLEASED and grateful with this turnout! :) Not sure why we were worried in the first place - we know God has a plan and has things under control. But still.. you know how it is.

So NOW, we wait! We have another appointment Monday to see how things are progressing. We are hoping to avoid an induction, so we will continue to pray and encourage Beckett to come on out on his own. We are SO grateful to have the opportunity for Brian to be home for a couple more weeks, able to spend time with me and our new addition, and have a job waiting for him on December 1. What a HUGE blessing.

So this week, that's what I'm thankful for: 

{Monday}: Our doctor. Her thorough explanations & patience. The fact that she is REALLY good at presenting all of the options, pros, and cons without pressuring in any direction, and the fact that we both really trust her and look forward to her delivering Beckett. 

{Tuesday}: All of our friends and family who were supportive and encouraging. Who prayed for us and our decision, and who volunteered to help out. Especially my momma who scheduled a week off of work to be here and help with Beckett while Brian was gone. 

{Wednesday}: The people at Traeger Grills who are obviously family friendly and willing to be flexible & understanding so that we can focus on what's important. 

Update on the Beckett Bump

On the Beckett Bump:

We had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and for the third week in a row the doctor told us that Beckett has not moved. My cervix is still completely closed. Apparently that kid is coooomfy cozy in there! Our doctor is obviously concerned about his size. She is particularly concerned with his proportions. Apparently having a 9-10 pound baby isn't necessarily the problem. The issue is she's concerned his broad shoulders {football player} will get stuck and cause Shoulder Dystocia. 

Our doctor has been REALLY GREAT. We like her a LOT. She's very supportive of any decision we make and has been very thorough in explaining possibilities and options. She hasn't made us nervous or worried, at all. She seems confident, but is also very clear (yet calm) with her concerns. She wants to avoid a c-section as much as we do. She's also not thrilled with the option of inducing. She says there is no perfect answer for what course to take. Of course, Brian and I would both prefer to just remain pregnant until Beckett is good and ready to make his arrival and then have a normal vaginal delivery and then bring our baby on home! :) Of course, that's not always possible! So we're weighing the pros & cons and options. 

If we induce: We reduce the chance of Beckett getting stuck because of his large size. However, inducing also brings a greater chance for longer labor and/or c-section. It's also not "natural." We would prefer Beckett just come when he's ready.

If we don't induce: We run the chance of him staying in there too long and getting way big. The longer we wait, the higher risk we are at for a c-section. 

SO. As of right now, we have induction scheduled for Thursday morning at 7:30am. We are not committed to this, but we're on the books so that if we decide that's what we want, the hospital can fit us in! This week, we're spending time praying about the decision, and also just praying that Beckett just comes! :) Wednesday morning we have an appointment with the doctor. She will examine my cervix, which will also help to make a decision. If there are still no changes, we will not induce. If my cervix is obviously not ready, there's no point. 

In the meantime, we are being handed a LOT of opinions, experiences, and advice. Of course, everybody has an opinion. We appreciate the encouraging words and prayers from everyone. We've heard over and over, "I had a 10 pound baby and it was just fine." "Oh.. the doctors these days always want to induce. That baby will come when he's good and ready." We agree. Having a 10 pound baby without a c-section or inducing is very possible. Also, it's sad and scary how "normal" it has become to just schedule deliveries out of convenience. This is not our goal. We've also heard scary stories. A neighbor's son suffered Shoulder Dystocia and they had to break his collarbone to get him out. We've had friends who were in labor forever and baby wouldn't come/fit and they ended up having to do emergency c-sections. The whole experience can go either way. That's why were are so grateful for our doctor. We believe she went to school for a very long time, she's compassionate, understanding, and obviously passionate about what she does. She has been diligent to give us our options without pressuring us in any direction. God knows what he's doing. So we'll pray this week that he guides our decision and keeps us safe and healthy no matter what we decide!

In the meantime, Douggie is ready for this Beckett to arrive too...

My Big Little Brother, DJ #ThankfulNovember

Today I'm thankful for my older little brother, DJ. As a kid, he was SO the typical middle child. I tell his wife all the time how amazing it has been to see the transformation. He's so mature, and hard working, and an AMAZING example of what a Godly man should be. I love him and I'm SO grateful Beckett will get to grow up so close to this amazing uncle! Plus, he also married an awesome chick (we Montgomerys obviously have great taste), so that's a HUGE PERK. {More on her later}

DJ & Eli taking turns throwing each other in the air.

Catching Up on #Thankful November

You'd think a stay at home WIFE {with no baby yet} would have more time to keep up with this sort of thing, but believe it or not, we stay pretty busy! So, here I am, already behind on Thankful November. That's ok, I've had my ideas in mind. So:

Monday, November 4: 
I'm grateful for the conveniences of living in America! I've had so many opportunities to travel and visit other, less "convenienced" cultures and let me tell you: We are SPOILED! Today I whipped out my crock pot, threw in a few ingredients out of my handy dandy refrigerator, and came home 8 hours later to amazing {Cheesesteak Stuffed Peppers}. Then I drug out a few salad items and put together a beautiful salad with hardly any chopping or washing: washed & ready greens, shredded carrots, crumbled feta, slivered almonds, and then tomato & avocado I actually had to slice myself (gasp!).

Tuesday, November 5:
I'm thankful for social media & women everywhere. I know that may sound silly, but social media (Facebook, Pinterest, YouTube, & Blogs) have been SO encouraging as I experience my first pregnancy. If you've had a child, you know how many WEIRD, concerning, awkward, embarrassing experiences your body provides over the course of nine months. Seriously, girls should have a special course on this stuff before they have the chance to get pregnant. And every time I've experienced something that was just TOO WEIRD for words or when I needed a little bit of encouragement, I'd google it, or ask my Facebook friends, and VOILA! I'm not alone! For first time mommies, even the simplest things can be overwhelming.

Wednesday, November 6:
I'm grateful for my baby brother, Devin. He's seriously is someone to look up to. He is the SWEETEST, most laid back, loving kid I know. (And by kid, I mean 25 year old baby bro of mine). He's hard working and passionate and WHIT.TY. I looooove his humor. He always makes me laugh. Today, I received this gem as he checked on whether or not Beckett had arrived:

Plus he's a firefighter. I mean, common. Awesome kid. He picked a rockin wife, so props to that, and is he adorable, or what? {That's important.} Love you, Jack!

Thursday, November 7:

Today I'm grateful God knows what he's doing. I mean, I'm always grateful for that, but on SO MANY occasions recently, I've been OVERWHELMED with how Awesome He is and how incredible it is that he knows what he's doing, so I don't need to worry about it. There are many examples of why this particular thought has come to mind - some more serious than others - but the little emotion that brought on the thought today was, "I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET BECKETT!!" 

You know, I haven't always felt that way! So I'm grateful God planned this whole 40 week adventure, and obviously knew I would need the whole time to process the emotions. Here's a basic timeline of how I've felt.

Week 9 [ish]: No concept of "I'm going to raise a human." And every excitement over baby belly, showers, and choosing a name. 

Week 20 [ish]: Still no concept of the KID part. More excited about baby bump. Loving being pregnant, especially since the exhaustion and other first trimester symptoms have subsided and life is pain-free and easy. I could just stay pregnant forever.

Week 32 [ish]: Feeling fat and ugly. Freaking out a little about the baby part. I wanna stay pregnant forever. I'm not ready for a kid. Don't remind me where this is going.

Week 36 [ish]: GET THIS BABY OUT. I don't care how. I'm not thinking about what I'll do with him when he gets here. I'm not ready for a child, but I'm SO READY to not be pregnant.

Today. Week 38.5: I CANNOT WAIT to meet this baby. And snuggle him and love him and snuggle him. And it's worth it. The pain and the discomfort and then many nights where I won't sleep or a screaming toddler will want to make me just leave. It's worth it. (You can remind me that I said that later).